Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
