so that wasnt chicken after all
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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