I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
