he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
