He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
