Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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