my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
