I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
