How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
