I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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