Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
