The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
40s are totally the cure
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
