Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
