boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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