I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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