nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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