Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
