it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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