Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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