just tell him i said nine months
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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