My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
