6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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