I cannot find my penis.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
