just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
