I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I woke up under a house in Key West
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