Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
