So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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