I'd wear matching sweaters with you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
