good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
