Just cropdusted the office
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
