these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
