i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
