Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize