o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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