I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Randomize