i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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