We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
