I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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