My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
