so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
