Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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