Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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