I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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