well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
