Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
