My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
