I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
