Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
