Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
