My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
