HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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