If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize