We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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