I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All I want is dick and wine.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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