This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
