My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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