Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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